


not even in your dreams

by backflipsaway



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Feelings, One Shot, Pathetic fallacy, post "tribute", post 11x19, short mentions of canon-typical violence, they're both single
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 09:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6513337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/backflipsaway/pseuds/backflipsaway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emily Prentiss: Possessor of an all-star combination of being emotionally closed off, and sleep deprived.</p>
            </blockquote>





	not even in your dreams

**Author's Note:**

> A more in-depth account for Emily and what was going on for her in 11x19, plus the aftermath. Both her and JJ are single. Some of the specifics of the episode might be changed slightly. I'd like to think that neither of them have been in their long-term relationships (or long-term relationships at all, bc their canon relationships are great imo), but you can imagine whatever you want. After writing this, I noticed there's already another jemily post-tribute fic, but I never read it yet, and I can assure you I'm not ripping you off, random lovely person. This is my first Criminal Minds fic. I hope you enjoy!

Emily had been through it so many times in the past few months, she knew it like the back of her hand. That, however, couldn’t save her from the anguish, though. Time and time again, night after night, the same haunting images wrapped around her. The hurt and the pain squeezed her neck. She could feel her breath being stolen from her, the deep gasps of air she held on to were snatched from her helpless grasp. 

When was the last time had she had a good night’s sleep? She lay in her cold, empty sheets, and stared at the dark ceiling. She didn’t know how to feel, lying still, in an infinitely comfy bed, draped with light, warm, but airy sheets and comforters alike. Her head was craned in her one of her two down-filled pillows. The warmth, and the coziness that most would feel in an expensive bed like her own were nowhere to be found. Like she did her entire life, she bore the pain alone. Her demons suffocated her, despite the warm breeze rolling in from the cracked open window in her high-end apartment. 

  


* * *

  


No matter how fast she ran, he was always two steps ahead of her. She always assured the young, bright-eyed detective she’d be alright. She always took her best shots. She always stumbled, fumbling at the trigger. She was always knocked down by him. The dark warehouse laughed at her. The air weighed her down, because it was her fault she couldn’t save her. Not even in her dreams. She felt the warm blood stain her hands. She felt the blood intermingle with her own, when she instinctively felt her own wound on the back of her head. With the miniscule amounts of light peering into the dark warehouse from its dirty windows, Emily saw the crimson red painted on her hands, staining her clothes. She felt light-headed. 

She bolted up, in a cold sweat. She felt herself breathe heavily, and grasp the sheets. With heavy eyes, she forced herself to get up, and wash her face with water. The mirror looked back at her with sad, tired eyes. She saw every single wrinkle, and imperfection. Despite her eyes being blurry from being shook awake, she saw clearly how her skin was pale. She unmistakably felt that her grasp on the sink had her arms trembling. 

  


* * *

  


Getting on that plane after being reunited with her old BAU family felt surreal. Hugging everyone, finally joking around with them again, it was great. Despite the clear lack of a little Chocolate Thunder, as Penelope would always so eloquently call him, and the ongoing pursuit of an at large, highly intelligent, international, copycat serial killer, the mood wasn’t too drab. 

Seeing everyone, hugging, meeting Tara, felt all too much. The warm happiness she felt, was just cruel—the fact that this was the first time she’d seen them all in years was brought to her because of some terrible serial killer. This opportunity arose solely because innocent people had their entire lives stolen from them. A little girl who had her entire life ahead of her was simply ended, to fit some sick person’s compulsion to kill. 

However, the banter she missed for all too long kept her emotions at bay. The interested musings about her life from her friends wasn’t as great. Did she have a significant other? How was the place she was living at? Was she doing well for herself? These were all questions her former team members pried for, after the briefing on. She really has been out of the loop for a while, but everyone remained the people she knew and loved. Affectionate, and amazing, but all up in each other’s business. 

She didn’t even notice that her eyelids closed, the weight of them just ended up being too much. The jet she once graced daily with her team just felt like home, because she hadn’t slept properly in ages. 

  


* * *

  


It was starting again, and she knew it. It was starting again, and Emily knew there was nothing she could do to snap out of it, or to stop it from happening. It was like clockwork, like routine. It was all there: the dark, rundown warehouse she stormed into, the hooded figure who eluded her for what felt like a lifetime. Unfortunately, this time felt different. 

_Oh no_.

JJ was the one in the young detective’s place. She was the one calling out to her in desperation, the one dying because of her screw up. She _saw_ her old friend’s life leave her eyes. The sunshine that danced in her eyes, the sunshine that JJ brought to every single person she ever met, was shattered. Her own seething pain was nothing, the unsub utterly irrelevant, because right in front of her, JJ died. 

  


* * *

  


Naturally, Emily could barely grasp what was happening when she suddenly awoke on the plane. Everyone was surrounding her, looking on with worried eyes. Her eyes focused, now seeing JJ in front of her, calling her name. They all inquired at her, if she was alright. She wasn’t. If it had been a few years ago, Emily probably would’ve brushed it off and have said that she was fine, but she felt at ease, compared to the Emily that was in constant fear. Her recurring dreams weren’t the products of fear, but extreme guilt, and sorrow. The simple fact that she failed, twice to catch this guy. That good people died because of her. 

The grimaces her former team took broke her heart almost as much as the nightly dreams did when she told them the details of what haunted her sleep. She recounted the gruesome specifics, of the blood she saw her old friend cough up while staring right at her, the pleading to save her, the helplessness she felt. The team didn’t throw a fit, obviously, which she should’ve expected, due to them working horrifying cases of the sort on the daily. She was reassured by the friendly, familiar faces that this time they would catch the unsub they were in pursuit of. There was a sort of solidarity, since they knew of all the horrible things they all went through together. She wasn’t alone.

Her eyes were still glassy, and JJ remained right in front of her. She looked brightly into her dark eyes, and gave her a smile, not an innocent one, but an optimistic one—a “we’re gonna catch this guy” smile—a “don’t you worry because we have the best damn team in the whole world and we all got your back and love you very much” smile. JJ put her hand on her arm, and sat with her for the rest of the flight. Almost as to reassure Emily that she was right there for her, like everyone was. 

As they landed, the sky started to pour. 

  


* * *

  


It didn’t all go away after she took the shot that ended the unsub’s life when they finally caught him. The faces of the deceased victims flashed in Emily’s mind. Despite her knowing that there was nothing she could’ve done to save them, her mind still raced. What if they’d arrived at the scene five, ten minutes earlier? Would that last girl have made it? 

Sleep still didn’t come easy, but Emily still wanted to rest up before her long day of travel tomorrow. She sat on her bed in her hotel room, one bedside lamp on. She stared at the cream, vertically striped wallpaper. The old box TV played on in the background, on the weather channel. Her almost-trance was broken when she heard a knock at her door. 

She peered through the peephole, seeing a familiar face. 

A familiar blonde headed FBI agent waited patiently right outside. “You know who it is.” Emily let JJ in. 

It was silent when the meteorologist on the TV said, “We took a doozy of rain today, but things are looking up. We’re looking at a clear night sky in Chicago tonight. Tomorrow’s looking clear, and full of sunshine.” 

A smile crept up on Emily’s face. “She’s damn right.” 

JJ sat on the bed, and Emily followed suit. She put her hand on top of Emily’s hand which lingered on the off-white comforter. She looked at Emily, and her makeup, faded from being on the job, but still there from the morning. She saw that she was still in the same ensemble from earlier in the day, only her shirt’s top button was unfastened. JJ averted her eyes back to Emily’s face. 

“You did it.” 

“ _We_ did it.” 

JJ held her hand firm. “We _all_ did it.” 

Emily exhaled. “I like you better when you’re not dead.” Her voice wavered a bit, uneased at simply joking about JJ being dead. 

JJ smiled sympathetically. “I won’t die in front of you. Not even in your dreams.” 

Emily scowled, jokingly. “Would you even make good on your promise? You died on me once already! I don’t need your sympathy!” 

”I’m the one who died!” JJ snickered at the dramatic exasperation Emily had. She looked down at their hands, and a few strands of her golden hair fell in front of her face. “I wouldn’t leave you. I wouldn’t even if it killed me.” She moved the hair out of her face, tucked it behind her ear, and looked up. “I wouldn’t let anyone kill me either. Or you. We’re both living forever.” She tapped Emily on the back. “Go change. I’ll be damned if you sleep in your work clothes, that you literally killed a man in.” 

“Of course.” Emily walked into the bathroom, go-bag in hand. 

After a few minutes, Emily stepped out of the bathroom and took a look at herself in the full length mirror. She tugged at the hems of the shorts she changed into. 

JJ sized her up. “Jeez, Emily, did you secretly have a child in the time we haven’t seen you? Because you look like a complete mom in that getup.” 

Emily pouted, “You’re the one who looks like a mom!” She tossed her used pants at JJ in retaliation. “In those sweats and _that_ hoodie? You look like a total soccer mom!” 

JJ pushed Emily’s pants from the bed to the floor. “You’d be the type of mom to drink a glass of whiskey before your kid’s soccer match and yell at the ref.” 

Emily picked up her pants from the ground and put them away. In her best mom voice, she scolded, “Don’t you know better not to leave your things on the ground? There’s germs there!” She raised her finger, like she was in court, laying down cold, hard facts. “If _you_ were a mom, you’d be the type of mom to drink a glass of wine after you tucked the kids into bed, then post about it on Facebook.” JJ rolled her eyes. 

Emily moved aside the sheets on top of the bed, making JJ to move over. Emily got in and lied down. 

“Want me to go?” 

“You said you’d never leave me.” 

“You got me there.” 

JJ walked around the bed to the side where Emily was lying, and crawled over her to the other side, much to the amusement of the other. She reached over to the lamp on the bedside, and turned it off. Emily sighed, louder than she would’ve anticipated, and wanted. 

“Emily, I want you to know, that even though it never really feels like it’s over, it is. If you’re still having those dreams, and that stress, I get it. So do the rest of us. It’s not your fault, and you can’t help it. But you can rest knowing that the unsub you’ve been hunting for two years will never hurt anyone, ever again.” JJ moved closer, the warmth between the two became almost shared. “And I, and the rest of the team are always here for you. Because we love you, _I love you_ , no matter what.” Emily closed the gap between them, beneath the covers. The warmth between them was shared. Their faces almost touched, but didn’t. “You’re a strong, beautiful woman. The world is safer now, because of you. Nobody can take that away from you; not even yourself.” 

“Jennifer, I could listen to your sultry voice forever, and not even bat an eye.” Her silly Derek impression in a forcibly low voice made JJ smile. Emily could barely see from the miniscule amount of light peering in from the crack of window uncovered by the heavy curtain. She also saw soft flashes of fabricated lights from the technicolour TV which continued to play in the background. Emily barely made out JJ’s smiling face. “Hey, we’re just two gals who have trouble admitting we have feelings! Let’s just avoid the topic of how I’m doing for once in this entire day! Cool?” 

JJ’s smile softened. “Alright you big baby. Feelings? What are those? Never heard of them.” 

Emily drifted off to the calming voice of the weather lady, “Tonight’s overnight forecast is looking like clear skies into the morning.” 

  


* * *

  


She was outside, in a field. The grass was tall, and uncut. There were small flowers growing freely, of blue, and violet. She bent over, almost black strands of hair in her face, picking out a single, small, yellow sunflower, facing the sun. She stood back up, and the strands of hair that were in her face blew back with the rest of her hair in the breeze. The sunlight caught her in a warm embrace. 

In the distance, she saw JJ in a white dress, lying down, looking at the clouds. The sun was far away in the sky, but led her to her friend. Her hair was free, intermingling with the wildflowers the meadow was painted with. Her hands gently played with the flowers. If Emily didn’t know better, she was in a Disney princess movie, and animals were about to start singing. Oddly, the field was empty of anyone, except for the two women. This lovely meadow felt like the perfect place for animals to prance about. 

Emily found herself walking over towards JJ. She noticed she was barefoot, and she felt every step on the surprisingly forgiving ground. The grass hugged her toes, as the light gusts of wind tickled her. Upon meeting her companion, she just lied down beside her. She placed the sunflower in JJ’s hair, tucked behind her ear, then looked straight up. The sky was a lighter blue than the flowers that dotted the field. The fluffy, white clouds were pulled across the sky by the wind, slightly and slowly. 

The two ladies just lay there, content. Their hands creeped together, and met. They didn’t need to say a word to each other. They watched the clouds for so long, they saw them change completely. Minus the wind whistling, and the flora of the field blowing along with it, it was silent. Before long, the sky was clear, devoid of all clouds, and was just a soft shade of blue. 

  


* * *

  


“Good morning, Chicago! It’s going to be a beautiful day today! The sun is shining, and there isn’t a cloud in the sky.” Emily woke up to a different weather anchor, and JJ’s arms around her stomach. She felt a trickle of pink arise in her cheeks. A peek of sunlight landed on JJ, and her she could see her a little bit better than the night before. How she was able to look that good, that early in the morning was beyond her. She decided to let JJ sleep a little while longer. She was thousands of miles away from her apartment in London, but this felt like home. She didn’t even think once about what the team was thinking, or if they noticed the lack of JJ in her designated room last night. The fact that neither of them were late that morning was a dream in itself. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback would be absolutely wonderful! I apologize for any grammar/continuity mistakes there may be.


End file.
